Friday, January 30, 2009

Stranger Things Have Happened, I Know

In both of my classes, we've had a lot of discussion about the idea that truth is often stranger than fiction. I have always agreed with that, as a lot of strange stuff has happened in my life. There are many stories I tell that are put in the "no way that really happened" category. But, I swear they are true. If you're nice enough, maybe I'll tell you a few.

I added to that collect again this week, during my yearly lady-parts exam at my gynecologist. Since my beloved finally has decent health insurance, I can go to a doctor that is not only convenient but cool. I like my doctor a lot. She actually takes time to talk to me, and is very open with any questions I have. There is only one complaint I have about her. In the exam room, facing the business end of the exam table, is a black and white photo. And, every time I go for my annual exam this photo creeps me out.

So what, you ask? It's just a photo, Heidi. Get a grip. Well, let me explain. It is a wedding photo. I don't know if my doctor's child is the groom or the bride. But, that isn't the weird part. It is the way the photo is taken. It is one of those over-the-shoulder-glance photos, where the happy couple are gazing back at the camera as they walk forward into their life together. And, the look on the groom's face is the problem. His eyebrow is slanted up, as if to say, "why am I looking at that?" I know in my head that the photo can't see me, but it is by far one of the most off putting things I have ever encountered in a doctor's office.

So, this photo is staring at me as my feet are in the stirrups. They are turning around to look at my who-who-dilly as my doctor is talking me through the procedure. I just wonder why the doctor chose to put the picture there, of all places. After all, she does have an office. Wouldn't the lovely couple be happier in there? I can only hope that someday when I go back, the photo will be gone. I mean, how do I tell my doctor that a picture staring at my business is too much for me to handle? She'd probably refer me to the shrinks down the street.

I couldn't make this stuff up. Does this stuff happen to anyone else, or is it just me?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Your Life is Sneaking Up Behind, It Just Won't Let You Go

Today was my second day of classes at college. I have to say that a lot of it is exactly as I remember it. The awkward silence when you first walk into the room, when no one wants to talk too much or too loud. I headed straight for the back of the room, just like I did all those years ago. But, other than that, so much has changed since my first go around.

I find the biggest change is the change in my attitude. Back when I was getting my B.A., I was a confused kid who didn't have a clue what I wanted to do with my life. Now, I'm an older, hopefully wiser person, who knows exactly what I want from life. Learning under these circumstances doesn't seem like a chore. It seems like a great chance to expand my horizons and pick up a few tricks I didn't know before.

There are so many young, hopeful people in my classes. They are just starting out, just trying to find their ways. I remember what that used to feel like. While I don't miss being clueless, I do miss being so optimistic and open to anything.

So far the work has been easy, but the harder projects are on their way. I'm looking forward to the challenges and really getting into the heart of the classes. I'll keep you posted on my progress. I have my first big assignments coming up. Wish me luck.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Listen Here Young Lady, All That Matters is What Makes You Happy

Happy Australia Day!!

I hope you enjoy all of your delicious Australian Man Candy! I made sure I started my Oz day the right way: with some of The Chaser and a few Tim Tams. I hope you all find your own ways to celebrate the day.

If you need something else to chew on today, might I suggest heading over to Shanna Germain's place for an appetizer. If you missed your amuse-bouche yesterday, run over to Craig's first. Then, you can catch up with everyone for the rest of the week. Sounds delightful, no? Come on, every one's doing it.


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Chapter One Again, Here I Go Again

My pencils are sharpened, my patent leather shoes are polished and I have a shiny, new apple for the teacher. Actually, I don't have any of those things. (Come to think of it, I should really have patent leather shoes.)

What I do have is my ID card, my parking pass on my rear view mirror and my overpriced books. My first classes start tomorrow and just like that, I'm back to college. It has been 10 years since I've had to take a test, write a research paper or sit still in a classroom for more than an hour. This will be a challenge. On the one hand they are writing classes, and I'd like to think I can handle the practical aspects of that world.

But, on the other hand, I'm not 18 anymore. There are no keggers waiting on the weekends, no cutting class to run off to D.C., and no late night dorm parties. At the end of my classes, it's back home to responsibility and work. Back to reality. Bummer. College is supposed to be an escape from reality. No wonder non-trads always seemed so annoying. It's because they had to leave us partying fools and head back to poopy diapers and poopier bosses.

I'll keep you posted on my progress and let you know how I'm doing. Keep your fingers crossed that I'm accepted by the locals. Now, do you think they'll let me use erotica for my course work?

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Because the World Owes Me Nothing, and We Owe Each Other the World

I'm sure there are a lot of Americans, who like me, have been wishing and praying for this day to hurry up and arrive. Now that it is finally here, I am almost giddy with anticipation and ready to watch Barack Obama get sworn in as the 44th President of the United States.

I've had my 1/20/09 sticker for damn near three years. And, I've been waiting for the day when we could finally get rid of this frat boy on an eight year bender. Whatever your politics, I'm sure most people can agree that we've tried it "their" way for too long and it may just be time to see if something else works. Anything has to be better than this past administration and its inability to admit to even the most obvious mistakes.

So, come high noon today, I will be glued to my television to usher out the old, tired ways and roll with the new. I'm still so proud of us, America. We really did it. And, look at it this way; can it really be any worse than this?

Monday, January 19, 2009

But I'm Quite Sure That You'll Tell Me, Just How I Should Feel Today

Since I'm not really sure how I feel today, I'm just going to let the picture speak for itself. Enjoy your Man Candy everyone. Maybe I'll have this all figured out by tomorrow.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Darlin' Don't You Go and Cut Your Hair, Do You Think It's Gonna Make Him Change?

"I'm bored." I don't know how many times in my life I've uttered those words to my stylist and friend, Marty. I've been seeing him for 20 years now, since I was 12. He knows what those words mean. It means it's time for a change. Time for something different, to shake things up. And, I said them to him again this weekend.

In all the years I've been going to see Marty, I see a lot of people who get the same hairdo each and every time. Sure, they may shorten it a bit, or grab a few highlights here or there. But, mostly it is the same. I can't do that; don't understand it. I need change, even if it is just something subtle. If I was to sum up my feelings on my hair it would be this: "If you can't change the world, change your hair."

Marty has seen me through a million different things. Bad perms and bad bangs. Sun-In and Manic Panic. The long and short of it. He has been there for all the major events in my life. Every formal dance I ever went to, including my prom. Every wedding I've ever been in, including my own. Not only did he give me my beautiful hair for my big day, he was a guest at the ceremony. He's given me everything from a bleach-blonde french twist to the red spiky pixie. Curly and straight. Blonde, brunette, red and sometimes all three at once. Every possible style, length and concept you could think of. I've been there and done that.

So, one more time, I sat in his chair and told him I was bored. Needed a change. And, he gave it to me. I couldn't be more pleased with the results. Once more I have staved off boredom. Who knows what next month will bring?

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Best of Us Can Find Happiness in Misery

One year ago this week, I quit my job. It was the proverbial job from hell. Every day I got up hating my life and hating having to spend it at that place. A large majority of my issues came down to one person who made my life miserable. I thought I had caught a reprieve when she finally quit. But, she was merely replaced by someone ten times worse. It was the quintessential moment of "be careful what you wish for."

I survived about three weeks with this new woman before it very nearly came to blows. It was the first and last time in my life I had to be physically restrained from doing God knows what to this person. Two days after this incident, I sat through a meeting from hell with management and told them in no uncertain terms that no one treats me that way. I turned in my keys and left that place and never looked back. Within one month, my foil had gone back from whence she came and the place systematically fell apart. Out of the original six who I worked with, only one remains.

Two weeks before my tenure at this pit of despair came to an end, I had gotten my first acceptance email for a story I had submitted. I took it all as a sign from whomever that it was time to go. Even if this woman hadn't pushed me so hard, it all would have unravelled soon enough. That moment, and all that came with it, changed the course of my life forever.

One year on, I have never looked back with any regret. And, all that has happened to me since has just been further proof that I am finally heading in the right direction. So, I am marking this milestone with a small nod to the universe and a tiny jig. Things have never felt so right, and those days of misery seem like a distant memory. And, for that I am eternally grateful.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Remember When You Were Green

I had a wonderful evening last night, catching up with a dear friend. As usual, it was like no time had passed. We fell easily into conversation that always starts one way; football. But, football quickly gave way to religion, politics, music, movies, and every other thing that makes us stop and realize how much we have in common. We both have busy lives and sometimes miss seeing each other for far too long. I'm hoping that we can figure out a way to fix that soon. It's not enough just to have a few drinks every now and then.

Now, for some more good news. Today, over at Ravenous Romance, the book of the day is the Green Love Anthology. I am happy and proud to be a part of it with my story, Tree Hugger. Who says the environment can't be sexy? Please check it out and if you do, let me know what you think.

Monday, January 12, 2009

How High Do You Think You'll Go, Before You Start Falling

Good God, I just love abs, don't you? Who doesn't? Welcome to yet another scrumptious Man Candy Monday. It was an interesting weekend. Sold some CD's. Watched some football. PBS told me all about how Helvetica font came to be. You know, the usual stuff.

As I spent some free time perusing the Inter-webs, this story caught my eye. As someone who's always fascinated by where people choose to have some frisky time, this one was particularly wonderful. The next trip to Australia might have to include a trip to the Southern Star. How can they put up something like that and not expect people to get inspired? After all, Melbourne is a beautiful city.

Enjoy your Monday, everyone. Some exciting stuff is coming up for me. I'll keep you posted.

Friday, January 9, 2009

I'm On A Mission to Never Agree

As I prepare to embark on College: The Sequel, I can't help thinking about how my old stomping grounds have changed. The small, liberal arts school I left in 1998 has transformed itself into a fancy schmancy place that frankly could do better than the likes of me.

A brand new state of the art gym, performing arts center, new digs for my beloved radio station, an engineering department. Hell, the apartment I lived in senior year is now surrounded by high rise dorms. Whereas we had to drive at least a mile or two to get our late night food and drink on, now the 24 hour mini-mart is right across the street.

But, the one thing that has surprised me the most is their new attempts at bring culture to campus. Imagine my surprise when I opened up the shiny brochure that came in the mail and saw an upcoming event called, The Great Porn Debate. Ron Jeremy and Craig Gross are going to discuss porn on a campus that doesn't even allow over 21's to have a drink. Sometimes, I wonder how the place that didn't entertain anything more risky than Judd from the Real World San Francisco has come so far. At least my tuition dollars didn't go to waste.

So, wish me luck as I go back to my old new school. Here's hoping I blend into my fancy new surroundings. I guess I'll have to leave my flannel shirt and my Nirvana t-shirts at home.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Everybody Break It, Every Rule Every Constriction

It is nice to know that even in these troubled economic times, there is still one place we can turn. Sex. That's right. It seems that the sex industry and all its many products and services are still going strong, even as other businesses fail.

Seems all this spare time people have because they are NOT going out to eat or seeing movies is spent at home, getting busy. And, with all that getting busy, people are looking for new and interesting ways to keep things spicy. Now, you can even be eco-friendly with your toys, with the rise of organics and alternatives to the traditional, old school "love enhancers."

It's nice to know that sexual experimentation can still trump all that recession fear. At least for now. I mean be honest, which would you rather have: a meal at Applebee's or a brand new vibrator? To me, the choice is clear.

Monday, January 5, 2009

'Cause I Know How The Words Get You

I just got done working on a big deadline, so I'm a little spent. Plus after my strenuous weekend of watching football and doing pretty much nothing, I'm just taking a bit of a break. Because, I deserve it, natch. I don't really have that much to say at the moment, but I couldn't let the day go by without sharing a little Man Candy with my friends. I needed a little extra today, so, please to enjoy.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

You'll Be Damned to Pining Through the Windowpanes, You Know

Obsession: the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire. It is no secret that I am fully obsessed with all things Australia. I know that conventional wisdom says you should not feed into obsessions. Think Fatal Attraction, OCD, or those poor girls who cry every time they see the Jonas Brothers.

But, I can't help it. And, it's not my fault. I mean, I do all I can. I live 10,000 miles away from it. I try not to email, call or Google Australia more than necessary. I don't cyber-stalk it on Facebook or Myspace. I try and stay aloof so as not to turn myself into a quivering pool of craziness every time Australia comes around.

But, Australia isn't making it easy on me. It keeps beckoning me, teasing me, torturing me with its charms. What is a girl to do? I'm only human. Every time I think I'm safe, they throw me another curve ball. Another wonderfully delicious distraction from Down Under.

Hugh Jackman. Julian McMahon. Ben Lee. Russell Crowe. Those things I could handle. Then, they started to get personal. Shirtless Hotties. AFL games available on satellite television. Tim Tams. Summer Heights High. The Toll Collector. In short, Australia started to mess with my boundaries.

Now, I find out they are taking it one step further. One of my favorite Australian shows, The Chasers War on Everything is coming to American television. Okay, Australia. I give. Haven't I made it clear that I'm yours. Why do you have to keep messing with me?

I surrender. I'm powerless against you. You could do anything, and I'd be into it. Even put out the inevitable concept album that no one else will buy but me. You know I love you, Oz. Don't make me keep proving it.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Because The Bar is Near and The Champagne's For Free

Welcome to 2009. So far, so good, I think. I went home to my mother's for our traditional Pork and Sauerkraut extravaganza. It was fun, acting silly with 3/4ths of my brothers and sisters plus my aunt and her family. It is a tradition we employ for good luck, so we'll see how it works.

I hope everyone has survived their champagne soaked fun and had a wonderful time kissing at midnight. I just wish it hadn't been so damned cold. But, I survived and didn't even wake up with a headache.

If you are sober enough to be online at the moment, why don't you run over to The Erotic Woman and check out my story, Kiss the Bride, which is currently featured there. I hope you enjoy it.