Thursday, September 15, 2011
Let Balloons Go Up in Town, Ring Out Every Bell
I. Am. 35. Jesus, when the hell did that happen? Well, at 2:14am, September 15th, right when this post went live to be precise. But, I was really speaking more existentially. How did I get to be 35 years old? Where did the time go?
In my head, I don't feel 35. I don't think I look 35. I certainly don't think I act 35. 35 is grown up, after all. Settled down, adult, responsible, all that jazz. Sure, I'm married, but settled? I'm far to restless to be settled. Adult? No way. That's probably the last thing anyone would think I am. Responsible? A bit. Bills are paid, house is relatively clean, hubbie and I are fed. But, a grown up? Never. Being a grown up sounds like no fun at all. I'm already not thrilled about the grown up stuff I have to do now. I can't imagine adding more things to the list.
Maybe it's because I don't have kids. I am, at the end of the day, only responsible to myself which lends itself to a certain level of selfishness. While I love my husband and would do anything for him, when I leave him alone in a room for five minutes, he's not going to fall off the couch and bonk his head. (most of the time, anyway) He can take care of himself when I'm not around. So, the freedom that comes with being unencumbered has allowed me to stay a slightly irresponsible non-adult.
I'm not where I thought I'd be at 35. Now, to be honest, I have absolutely no idea where I thought I'd be at 35. That's partially the problem. I didn't have grand plans, huge dreams and big ideas. I never wanted to be an actress, singer or ballet dancer. Okay, well, maybe I wanted to be a ballet dancer. I really liked the outfits and the shoes. But, I was a realist, even as a kid. I knew it wasn't going to happen. I don't know what would have happened had I maximized my ellusive "full potential" or where I'd be. Really, I don't much care. I feel like I'm finally on track, like I'm acheiving my goals in life. They may not have been the goals everyone else expected, or even I expected years ago. But, I'm happy with where I am at the moment, professionally speaking.
Increasingly, however, there are times when I look back with regret, not for what I've done, but for wasting precious time with nonsense that ultimately didn't matter. At my (new) age, that is the biggest thing I'm wrestling with. I have a deep desire for positive action and forward momentum. I struggle to balance that with my tendency to procrastinate and lapse into spells of nothingness that I later regret. I don't really know why, but I sometimes feel like there is a little hourglass in the corner of my mind and I am watching the sand run out faster and faster. I just feel like there is no more time to waste. And, more importantly, I don't feel like there are any more excuses for throwing time away.
So, that is where I'm at on my 35th birthday. Still trying to figure it all out. Now, I'm off to make a wish . . .